Tuesday, 24 January 2017

What's In A Label?

I wrote the following post up in December but life got in the way - as it always does - so I am posting it now :)

It's been just over a week since my brain and cervical spine MRI and I'm wondering what my results will say.
I got a letter a few days after the scans with an appointment to see my neurologist in about 5 weeks time.
So I now know that my neurologist has received them and will possibly be giving me some answers next month.
There's a -input percentage here- likely chance that I have Multiple Sclerosis.
My symptoms match up in some ways but I'm sure there are 100million other reasons that could cause them.
That's why I have had the test, so that they can see if MS is what's going on.

Will I be diagnosed with MS?
Will I be diagnosed with something?
Will it be something even more sinister?
Will the scans be clear and when I'm an old lady be able to share my story of “once, it was thought I may have had MS”?

These are a handful of what is going through my brain.
I have made as much peace with the possible diagnosis as I can in my current position but the questions rage on.
It made me think this morning, why am I putting so much emphasis on the diagnosis?
Yes, it is of course super important to know if you are suffering with something that needs medical treatment, help from doctors and possibly medication, but other than that : how does it change me?

When I was diagnosed with OCD it made my life a little easier... For a short time.
Knowing the monster inside me that was controlling every aspect of my life almost made me feel like I had the higher ground.
But over the years, it progressively got worse to the stage I have been in for a while,
being bullied and doing whatever it commands every day.
I have described my OCD as a part of who I am.
Just as I would say “Autumn is my favourite season” I would say “I have OCD”.
Over the last year I have come to a slightly better understanding and now feel that I can differentiate between 
who I am and what I have.
I am not my OCD, I have OCD.

If I am diagnosed with MS for example, how will that change the fact that I could watch Pride and Prejudice any time and be just as in love with it as I was the first time.
Or how much I enjoy eye shadow palettes, I know I don't need any more but that will never stop me xD
Or laughing with my family and friends at anything and everything.
How will it change me?
The answer is, it wont.
It is a label.
I will not allow it to make changes to who I am as a person.
Over the years I have let far too many things stand in the way of me living my life.
I have begun to see in recent months that I don't and haven't prioritized myself for pretty much my whole life so
nothing is going to stand in my way of recovery and working on myself.
Multiple Sclerosis or no Multiple Sclerosis.
Clean scan or no clean scan.
No more labels.
This is my time.
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Ending my toxic relationship with myself