Monday, 26 September 2016

Gold Eyes, Berry Lips

I decided to take some pictures of my make up a couple of weeks ago as I quite liked how it turned out...
if I do say so myself ;)
I am usually 100% about the eyes. Bold lips scared me to be honest.
I'll wear pink eye shadow, black eye shadow through the crease and often orange but give me a bright/obvious lip colour and I'll run and hide.
Well, a couple of Thursday's ago it was a different kettle of fish
is that the saying? :/
I decided to go for simple eyes with a berry lip.
I mean seriously, could I be any more excited that it's now officially autumn??
Here's how it turned out :D

On my eyes I am wearing Urban Decay original primer potion, I always do and there's no changing that xD
I then used the Clinique Chubby Stick in Bountiful Beige 
Gosh, I looove this thing. (I think you can see that by it's grubbyness ;))
I've had it for quite a while now and I don't think I will ever tire of it.
I literally just used the stick to apply the product. I'm not joking when I say that I didn't even need to blend it or move it around.
BAM! Amazing :D

I used Rimmel Scandal eyes kohl liner in Taupe to very minimally line my upper lash line.
And then I tested out a new mascara to my stash. It's the Revlon Volume and Length Magnified waterpoof mascara and so far so good.
I applied it to top and bottom lashes :)

I also applied the Pixi endless silky eye pen in Oyster Glow liner to my lower water line.
This stuff is seriously gorgeous! It brightens and isn't a stark white on the water line. Yaaass.

So for the lips I tried a product that I recently picked up.
Exciting times xD
It is the Maybelline Vivid Matte Liquid in the shade Berry Boost 
A beautiful pink/berry colour and I am in love :)
I'm going to be doing a separate review for this product so keep an eye out... But, how pretty??
Yes please, more bold lips in my life!

The rest of my face consisted of the usual suspects :
17 Miracle Matte primer
Revlon Colourstay foundation
Collection Lasting Perfection concealer under my eyes with Loreal Paris Lumi Magique Highlighting pen
Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer on blemishes
MAC MSF powder all over my t-zone
Clear mascara used to set my brows in place - natural brows ;D
Make up Revolution Powder Contour palette shade 1 to set under my eyes
Make up Revolution Powder Contour palette shade 6 to contour my cheeks
Illamasqua Powder blush in Lover
Make up Revolution Powder Contour palette shade 3 to highlight my cheek bones –
I KNOW! Enough of the Make up Revolution Powder Contour palette... but it's a-mazing :D

And that's all folks!
I hope you enjoyed my Face of the Day, I'm hoping to do them fairly regularly :)
Now, where's my blanket and hot chocolate...
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Tuesday, 20 September 2016

The Breakup | Part One

For the last 6 years I have been in a very unhealthy relationship.
Being belittled, overlooked and forgotten about were daily occurrences.
I have been on the receiving end of emotional, verbal and at times physical abuse.
Well, this week I have decided that enough is enough.
I no longer want to be treated this way and there's only one thing I can do.
End the relationship.

It may sound like a no brainer but it's going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

I am breaking up with myself.
That's right.
The toxic relationship that I have been in is with me.

It may not sound serious but it has taken a lot to get to this point.
Years of denial and pushing things to the back of my mind.

Over the years I have continually mistreated myself with a lack of respect to my feelings and needs.

It started out rather innocently, making others my priority and not really thinking of myself.
But I continued to do this and I got further and further down my list of priorities.

I took it upon myself  throughout my last relationship to make my partner and those I was close to more important than me.
It meant more to me that they were happy, healthy and feeling loved and looked after than myself.
I think that this in moderation is great but I did it to the point that when the relationship ended I was left with nothing and felt, literally, empty.
I had given myself away completely and since then haven't bothered to rebuild what I gave away.

I treated myself unkindly and taught myself to believe that I'm not important.
I never checked in to see if I was happy. If my needs were being met. If I was living the life I wanted to be living.
Over time it just became so ingrained that I didn't even consciously think it anymore. Like I was on autopilot.

Due to this toxic behaviour, when my mental health became an issue, I couldn't muster enough reason, energy or motivation to try to fight or get better.
I was literally a shell of a person who spent her days in a circle of feeling worthless, undeserving and lost.

I thought for a long time that how I was feeling was due to me missing my partner but I have learnt very recently that I have been missing me.

I have broken my own heart with how I have treated myself.

I am learning that the most important relationship anyone will ever have is the one they have with themselves.
It is your foundation.
Even when the structure you build on top of it crumbles it will always be there.

I have reduced my foundation to a place of self neglect.
A place that I don't trust to know what's best for me.

I am going to take a hammer and rebuild my foundation.
This is the end of a dead end, toxic relationship that has done nothing but hurt me.

I have no anger, no regret and I hold no resentment towards myself.
I know I did what I thought was the right thing at the time and I am learning to accept that.
In time I will learn to forgive myself but I will never forget.
I am now rebuilding my foundation and that doesn't involve treating myself this way ever again 

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Wednesday, 14 September 2016

All The Deets On My Mental Health

As this blog is a mixture of a bit of beauty and a bit about my life, some things that I'm sure will be about neither.
I do tend to waffle :D
I thought I would write a post talking about my mental health. Kinda like an introduction to what my life is like living with mental illness'.
It makes sense to me that I should share with you the details as I'm sure I will be talking about it quite a bit on my blog/channel.

Ok, so I've got OCD. I was diagnosed in 2014, and it really isn't all about being overly organized and washing your hands all the time
(although, I am guilty of both of those!).
At that time I was working in a shop and I was getting more and more stressed.
I was crying everyday, panicking and I wasn't even able to switch off when I got home.
I was checking and re-checking everything. It was taking up so much of my time.
Even when I had checked something for the 5th time I still wasn't convinced.
literally didn't trust my own brain.

Something wasn't right.
My family had seen everything that was going on and urged me to see a doctor.
I was diagnosed and in some ways it helped to know what was going on.
Unfortunately I had to leave my job within weeks of being diagnosed.
It had continued to worsen and the whole situation became more than I felt I could handle.

The best way for me to describe it is the same way a lot of others do and that is to break down the name itself :
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Having OCD involves having obsessions. For example, I will feel dirty. Literally dirty.
It may be because I have touched something I think may be dirty or sometimes, I just plain feel it.
I panic. I fear contaminating someone/something so I try to find a way to deal with this situation.

Which leads us to the compulsions.
Performing physical and/or mental 'rituals' in the hopes of relieving the anxiety.
In this scenario, I would then want to quickly find a way to wash my hands, if I can't do that for whatever reason, I will use hand sanitizer.

That brings us to the 'D' - Disorder.
OCD is a mental disorder and not something to be taken lightly or romanticized.
"The illness affects as many as 12 in every 1000 people (1.2% of the population) from young children to adults, regardless of gender or social or cultural background. In fact, it can be so debilitating and disabling that the World Health Organisation (WHO) has actually ranked OCD in the top ten of the most disabling illnesses of any kind, in terms of lost earnings and diminished quality of life." *link*

Unfortunately, I have obsessions and compulsions from a few different 'types' of OCD.
In the beginning, my main compulsions were centered around checking.
Whether it be plugs, windows, the correct orders at work, making sure I haven't said the wrong thing... The list goes on.
Ever since then, my checking has minimized; due to the fact that I am at home everyday and don't go out and mingle with people very much
(reducing the amount of plug checking, talking to people etc.).
My contamination OCD has progressively gotten worse. I don't like being touched, touching other people or their belongings.
I am not scared of germs, I am concerned that I may be dirty/contaminated and that in touching someone/something I will make them ill.

During my first round of C.B.T, it was brought to my attention that I have a heightened sense of responsibility.
To me, anything and everything is my fault. I feel it wholeheartedly, it's not just a passing feeling.
I have a hard time believing otherwise.

I also suffer with anxiety. Talking in general and interacting isn't easy for me.
I worry a lot about what I say and that I may hurt someones feelings or offend them.

Amidst everything, I struggle with lack of self care.
I am not a priority and I don't treat myself with the love and respect that I feel everyone should.

Recovery whilst feeling this way is incredibly difficult to say the least, but I am trying to persist.

So that's pretty much the ins and outs of my mental health.
With each of the above mentioned issues I struggle with, it has been a learning curve.
Since being diagnosed, I have looked back and been able to see that some illnesses have been with me for quite some time, under the radar.
I wasn't always as constrained as I am now and that gives me hope for the future :)

This year I have begun to learn how to live with my mental illness' rather than be controlled by them and that is a huge deal to me.
Baby steps.

I would love to be able to raise awareness and in any way help others - even if that is just by showing that fellow sufferers are not alone 
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Monday, 12 September 2016

My Makeup Brush Storage

One of my prides and joy is my makeup brush collection.
seriously, some times I just stare at it xD
As it turns out, at least one other person in the world was interested in it as I received a comment asking me about it!
How flattering :D
I decided to make a (very) short and to the point video with all the in and outs of my collection and thought I'd do a corresponding blog post.
So if you're interested, let's do this :)

Here's what my brush collection looks like currently :
I absolutely love it, I won't lie.

It has taken me quite some time to get it to look how I wanted but honestly, it was worth all of the effort :)
The holders themselves are from Muji storage. I ordered mine online a few years ago. It is ideal.
They're designed to hold CD's... anyone remember those? xD
*hides Spice Girls greatest hits*
They aren't currently selling it on their website but an alternative would be this. It's very similar but a smidge bigger.

Ahh the beads.
Both my dream and my nightmare.
The thing with these is that they come in rather small quantities and are quite pricey.
I've lost count of how many bags I have bought and I'm still not completely satisfied with the amount I currently have :/
Buuuut. I love how they look and they achieve the desired effect. They hold my brushes upright and spaced out. Perfect.
I regret nothing ;)
Some were bought from ebay and some from Amazon, so here's the link to Amazon where I last bought some:)

So that's all the info about my brush storage (that I can think of!)
If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask and I'll do my best to answer :)

If you'd like to see the evolution of my brush collection and makeup collection in general there's a post dedicated to it HERE...
And if you'd like to watch my brush storage video the link is HERE :)

I hope you enjoyed this post and maybe got some inspiration :D
I'm really not going to bother writing a disclaimer or make any justifications...
These are my brushes.
I love them.
They love me.
We have a wonderful life together 
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Monday, 5 September 2016

The Album That Was There For Me

The year was 2012. I was 22 years old.
I was working, I was in a relationship, I had successfully moved out, I felt a sense of comfort. I was content with my life 
...and then Christina Aguilera dropped her new album, Lotus.
All of sudden, feelings I wasn't particularly aware that I had were being catered to and nourished.
She was singing words that made me feel like I wasn't alone. That I was strong. It was all going to be okay. I would be alright in the end.
For the longest time I listened to those particular songs on repeat. Whenever I went out I would have them playing on my Ipod.
Kind of like affirmations. Like, the more I listened, the more it became a part of me.
I wanted to be as strong as the person she was singing about.
It felt like someone had heard my thoughts, fears and worries and was reaching out to me.

Then 2014 happened. I was 24 years old.
I was out of work. I was single. I was living back at home. I felt worthless. It was when my mental illness' well and truly took hold of me.
This was going to be my life. I had succumbed to the fact that I would never be happy again. I was just existing.
Over the last two years I have most definitely hit rock bottom, there's no other way to describe it. I could see no light at the end of the tunnel.
I couldn't listen to the songs that once brought me so much comfort and strength.
I felt so weak and helpless that even the thought of fighting my own brain was impossible to me.
About two months ago I had a rather unexpected and major breakthrough.
I decided to try to get better and live with my mental illness' rather than be completely controlled by them.
And then it happened. I found myself walking one day and searching for those songs which I had pushed away for so long.

It is 2016. I am 26 years old.
This evening I sat and listened to some of the tracks. My heart begins to race.
I am miming along with the words as if there was never a day that went by that I didn't do so.
It all feels so familiar but like I am hearing it with fresh ears at the same time.
Looking back, the album helped me through so much all those years ago, more than anyone or anything could ever have.
It taught me to find inner strength. That I could get through a lot and not crumble. To start learning that I was stronger than I thought.
I won't lie. Since then I have crumbled.
But I think that strength is still with me. It has been buried deep below the surface but I feel like with effort and time it will rise up again.
I have been through tough times but I feel it has helped make me who I am today. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am thankful for it all.

Christina Aguilera's Lotus album means so much to me 
- her too but that's a whole other post ;)
it has helped me to feel comforted, strong and dare I say, it has started to make me feel whole again.
The songs in particular that touch my heart, soul and parts of me that I didn't know existed are the following :D

"Now that I'm wiser
Now that I'm stronger
Now that I'm a fighter
There's a thousand faces of me"
This song reminds me that even when you're in pieces, each piece can be strong and still remains part of you.

"I would do anything for us to make it through
Draw me a smile and save me tonight
I am a blank page waiting for you to bring me to life"
This song had a particular meaning to me and then after my breakup I heard it in a completely different way... That and the fact it's just beautiful :D

"Think I'm steel
Tough as nails
Never feel
Never fail
But you're wrong
So damn wrong
Feel the weight
Of your hate
I still bleed
My heart aches
As you take
And you take"
This is my favourite song on the whole album (and possibly my favourite song of hers) Hits me on every level every time.
It's like it was written for me 

"The hardest part of this
Cannot be heard or seen
This journey starts when I begin loving me"
This song has reminded me time and time again that I am strong enough to not be broken by words.

A long post but one that means a great deal to me 
I feel like music has truly managed to heal me at times and I am hopeful that in time, it will continue to.
I used to feel like a strong person and I found it within the lines of these songs.
I feel like this amazing artist has taught me that there is nothing wrong with being a strong woman and celebrating that.
Like the lotus I will rise from the mud and bloom again.
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