Monday, 22 August 2016

Looking Back To Move Forwards

So far, 2016 has kinda been a big year for me.
During this year I have learnt many things about myself and out of everything I have discovered I think the following are the most important :
I want to love myself. I want to be happy again. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be as strong as I once was.

I think that to be happy, I must find the things that I enjoy and actually do them.
Even though I have felt so low, I have still always felt connected to makeup.

It's something that I have always enjoyed and I hope that I always will.

I have continued to think of blog post ideas, videos and have still been buying make up.

It may not seem like much but that tells me so much as it has carried on being a constant in my life despite my lack of feeling like myself.

I have such fond memories of the time that I was working on my blog and channel and I remember feeling so passionate and happy.

So what's standing in my way?

Over the last 3 years I have had a lot going on... I know, who doesn't right? But it has effected my ability to blog and make videos.

I have had mental illness' rear their ugly heads which have left me feeling weak, uninspired, lethargic and generally miserable.
In myself I have been feeling worthless, unlovable and not wanting any help. This is how I have lived each day.
In the beginning I think looking after myself/treating myself right felt like a chore.
It was unnecessary and I wasn't worthy of such kindness. 
It has now become automatic behavior. For the most part, I treat myself this way without thought or awareness.
I have treated myself like this for so long that I have lost myself completely.
Ahhh, good times :')

Living with mental illness is hard (speaking from my experience anyway) and that's sugar coating it.
But it has taken me all this time to realize :
Just because my brain doesn't always do what I want it to, doesn't mean I need to treat myself as poorly as I have been.
To deprive myself of the things that bring my joy and peace.
I can still go after my passions.
I can enjoy make up and dare I say, run a beauty and mental health blog and channel.

I loved beauty blogging and YouTubeing. I had a fire in my belly for makeup and the thought of filming and blogging made me excited to get up in the morning
- we're talking Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Day excited :D
I have missed it so much. I remember that all I wanted was to help people in any way I could and improve my content all of the time which I think is a great thing.

I am learning that I need to look to the future not the past in order to have a happier mind, but I think this is one thing that is worth breaking the rule for ;) 

I am currently taking my first few baby steps towards starting my life fresh.
My goal is to create a relationship with myself so strong and beautiful that I will never end up back where I was.
I am in recovery. I always will be and I need to accept for the first time that I am my priority.
Blogging and YouTube brought me such peace and a feeling of happiness that I can't wait to re-introduce it into my life :)

Sure, I've got mental illness' but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a pretty lipstick or be captivated by an eye shadow palette ;) 
I am looking forward to getting back into blogging and YouTubeing. I feel excited and it has been a long time since I've felt this way :)
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