Sunday, 23 April 2017

Off Balance

So due to my current situation, you know, having a number of tests to see if I may have MS, I am having 'strange' things happening.
At the moment I am experiencing balance issues.
I can't say that I've ever experienced anything like this before.
I'm having to look at the ground while walking. If I look around I tend to veer off.
And I have a slight feeling of un-steadiness about me.
I feel fortunate that I don't have to do much walking around in my life currently as it feels rather frustrating and
is a reminder that there may be something wrong with me.

Having this happening at the moment has also made me reflect on the feeling of being off balance internally.
I don't feel in-tune with myself.
There are things that I want to do, things I want to stop doing but don't feel enough of a connection with myself to accomplish them.

I feel as though I am mentally walking around staring at the floor so that I don't wander off too far from the path I'm currently on.
Which would be fine if that meant that I were pursuing my dreams, achieving the things I want to and cracking on with goals that I have.
But alas, that isn't my existence.
My inner self-saboteur has continually stood in my own way for as long as I can remember.
Never letting me see what I can achieve or what life has to offer.

Staring at the floor is me standing in my own way. Making sure I'm not looking around getting any ideas of bettering my situation/life.
Don't aim too high on those goals of beating OCD or else you may veer off and get lost... Or heaven forbid, be cured.
Rather than putting 100% into blogging keep watching your feet because that's too much for you to handle... Or I may possibly enjoy it.

Mentally looking down has meant that I have kept myself ill, not lived the best life I possibly can
and not to mention given me a huge mental cramp in the neck!

Now that this has been brought to my attention I cannot comprehend continuing to live this way.
Being unaware of treating myself this way is one thing but by now having the full picture, it has
given me the opportunity to change my behavior and let myself grow.

I will now look up and take in all that is around me.
Stop this self-destructive way of life that I have become so used to.
Look after myself better physically and mentally.
Become more balanced with who I am and what I want and need.

Although this train of thought started by possibly having something else going on, it has made me look closer to home.
It has helped me to see that I have to start with me.

I no longer want to be looking at my feet while the world, and my life, pass on by.
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Friday, 7 April 2017

Pinterest Picks #1

I decided that I would take a look at what I had recently pinned in my Goals board on Pinterest...
i'm addicted, it's hilarious but's not funny xD
I find that motivation slips away from me and thought that by creating a board dedicated to things I can aim for,
encouraging pictures or positive affirmations, I would have a constant source to check when in need.

So with that in mind, I thought I would share with you a few of my latest pins.
Maybe you'll find some inspiration from them too :)

As I mentioned above I struggle with motivation and something that contributes to that is a worry that I'll get it wrong or scared I'll fail.
I've always been a worrier and I am in the process of learning to try and not worry about the things I cannot change.
Worrying or being scared doesn't stop it from happening and doesn't change something that already has.
This post really spoke to me :)

Slowing down has really become something I aspire to do.
Whenever I walk anywhere, you'd think I was taking part in a sprint!!
Over the lest month I have made a conscious effort so walk slower, take in my surroundings and have been feeling much better for it.
I don't want to rush through my life, I want to savor it.

This one really resonates with me.
Ta-rust me when I say that reaching the other side of an unbelievable breakdown is the most tremendous feeling in the whole world... In my world at least.
I pinned this to remind me so that I never lose sight of that feeling :)

 And that's all for now :)
I hope you liked this post, I'm thinking of making this a series on the blog 😏
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Friday, 17 March 2017

Cheering For Myself

I seem to manage to accumulate a certain amount of motivation and then over time it slips away. As if it all gets used up.
It's extremely frustrating and upsets me.
When I am on the ball and motivated to do something (whatever that may be) I do it and I give it 1000% percent.
That's just who I am.
I can blog, clean my room, wash my brushes, catch up with my latest watch on tv and go to bed at a decent hour and it feels amazing!
I feel like I'm king of the world.
And then as quickly as it comes, it goes.
I have recently had about three weeks feeling like I have purpose and things that I want to do,
and in the recent 7 days it feels as though it has 'run out'.

I realize that my mental health plays a large part in this.
I suffer with low mood and when I feel like that, I don't feel like I can do anything.
But I also think that it is caused by me trying to do so much.
Pressuring myself to get so much done.
I don't just say to myself “I want to write a blog post” I think “I need to write three or I'm rubbish”.
Or, “I need to wash my brushes” and then if I don't do them that day I feel like a huge failure.

I'm not a cheerleader for myself, I'm my own nemesis.
I'm there sarcastically clapping when I drop my sandwich,
happens more often than you'd think! 😂
or giving myself the I knew it look when I don't achieve something I said I would.

And these are things that I am determined to work on and change.
I am so tired of being like this.
I should be the one shouting my own name and holding a banner up when I do achieve something.
I know it won't be easy but nothing that's worth it ever is, is it?

You got this girl, let's do it! 😏
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If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one :
Ending a 6 year long toxic relationship, with myself.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Technic Haul

A few months back, I heard about a brand that I'd never heard of before... Technic.
I saw that the products were good quality for a purse friendly price, so I of course, purchased some items xD

I'm an eye shadow kinda gal, palettes to be precise.
I'm not sure what it is, but I'm drawn to them, almost like the possibilities are endless :)
I chose to purchase the products from Amazon because, well, if Amazon sell it, I'll buy it  xD

I chose three palettes that consist of 12 eye shadows, the more the merrier right? ;D
Mega Mattes £1.50, Mega Nudes 2 £2.33, Mega Nudes 3 £1.50 (all are add on items)
The first palette just contains mattes as the name indicates and the other two are a mixture of mattes and shimmer shades 🙆

And I had seen the bronzing eye shadows swatched so I knew I needed that one 
Bronzing eye shadow palette £3.10

The next palette caught my eye and I think it's understandable why :D
Electric Eyes Metalix Palette £1.99 (add on item)
I love shimmer shades and the yellow and lilac just called out to me 😍

I have used different shades from different palettes and so far I am really pleased with how they apply, wear and last.
Seriously impressed with this brand and will have to venture out into more of their products :)

Have you tried anything from Technic? Any products that you would recommend? 😊
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If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one :

Friday, 10 March 2017

Complete Recovery

I remember when I was first diagnosed with OCD in 2014, I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about the monster that was plaguing my brain.
I saw that with a lot of persistent and hard work, you can in time, learn to manage your OCD and possibly become free of it.
a person with OCD can learn to manage symptoms so that they won’t interfere with daily functioning.“
it is also possible, with the right support and treatment to achieve a complete recovery from OCD.“
Information from ocduk

Within a few months of being diagnosed I received some C.B.T.
I did quite well. My main issues were with checking and I managed in some instances to get them to a more manageable level.
After I had finished C.B.T, I slipped backwards rather quickly and to a far worse degree.
In the years that have followed I have hit rock bottom, resulting in me not wanting to get better or even feeling like I can.

When I had a bit of a breakthrough last year, it provided me with a whole new way of thinking about my situation.
It lead to me accepting that I can get better and more importantly, that I want to.
I have spent a lot of the last 10 months learning to accept my mental health for what it is.
Coming to the conclusion that if this is my life forever, that is okay.
I have a great life and as long as I am trying, I'm happy.
I have settled on this being how I will always live. It's what my life is and I'm alright with that.

Well, I came to a very positive, overwhelming and scary realization last year.
While the above is all still true, it's not enough.
I don't want this to be my life.
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for everything and everyone that I am blessed to have in it but... I want more.
It's not just about me, I don't think that anyone should have to live like this.

And then I remembered: you can recover completely.
I can recover completely?
Is that an option?
I have been living in a limbo of where I was (not feeling I can get better) and how I am living now (trying to question my OCD)
that I had almost forgotten that there is a third option.
Complete recovery.

I don't do things by halves.
I'm either all in or not at all.
Whether it be cake or a relationship, it's all or nothing. No half measures.
So why have I been treating my mental health any differently?
I don't want to be going through all this effort and hard work to be living this exact life in 20 years.

I am going to aim for full recovery.
I know it can be done.
I have been following Ash on Twitter for years now and his story is truly inspiring.
He is currently 12 years free of OCD :')

I am on the path to believing in myself enough to know that I can beat this.
That this illness will take no more of my life away from me.
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If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one :
Ending my toxic relationship with myself